D.C. drivers rage on, but it could be worse

A survey shows we are only No. 5 in the country in terms of road rage, which sure could fool the motorists in our region.

You know what it is like out there. It is not pretty, especially on the Capital Beltway, where yet another tractor-trailer carrying highly toxic chemicals has overturned, and motorists are slowly working themselves into a lather because they will be stuck where they are the next 10 hours.

Don’t you love the motorist who performs a series of death-defying maneuvers to pass you just so he can get to the red light 10 seconds faster than you? You wonder what the person is thinking. Is there an unofficial prize that goes to the motorist who passes someone just so his vehicle can idle at a red light longer than yours? Or maybe he needs that extra idling time at the red light just so he can finish shaving or text-messaging or complete his safe-driving form from the insurance company.

No wonder there is so much road rage on our thoroughfares. Some people put on a dunce cap the moment they get behind a steering wheel. You have to like the 5-foot-2 dude sitting on three telephone books suddenly acting as if he is the toughest man on the planet because of his four-wheel weapon. It undoubtedly is the only time in his life he can be intimidating.

It is not just boorish men who clip their toenails while steering vehicles with their left pinkie. We also are obligated to give women their due as — and not to be too fine with the point about — the lipstick-applying woman has become something of a legend across the nation.

Here she comes, and there goes the roadway. Everyone has had a near fender-bender with the lipstick-applying woman. It is almost as if she is performing a public service by keeping motorists alert. It is almost as if she is under contract with AAA to test the reflexes of motorists.

It is no exaggeration to note that motorists break out in a cold sweat whenever they see the lipstick-applying woman coming in their direction. She may be involved in a nasty collision in mere seconds, but at least she will have freshly applied lipstick while the paramedics are attending to her injuries.

It is wrong to suggest that women are poor drivers. In fact, some are very talented drivers, given all the multitasking they are able to do while traveling at a high speeds. You also have to give credit to the woman who is able to weave in and out of traffic while applying nail polish. And to the man who can read a newspaper from front to back during his morning commute.

It is against the law in the city to talk on a hand-held cell phone, which of course everyone ignores with impunity. You see motorists yapping away, unconcerned about the pedestrian whom they are about to strike. In defense of the yapping motorists, the pedestrians are no better. They have an iPod in one ear and a cell phone in the other. They are so at one with their technology that they have no awareness of the environment and the oncoming vehicle that is about to leave them like so much road kill.

The AutoVantage Road Rage Survey found the District has the most drivers who “slam on their breaks at the last possible second.” The survey also found a majority of motorists carry around spare neck braces and the business cards of several prominent trial lawyers in the hope they will be rear-ended, whereupon they are obligated to whip out a brace and profess to be gravely injured.

At least we are not Miami, Boston, New York and Baltimore, the road-rage Top Four. Perhaps that tiny victory can aid our temperament during the next tractor-trailer spill.