Wedding wows: Sky as limit is too low

Dear Madge: Just a note to say that the wedding was a complete success. None of the elephants got loose, the herald trumpets were great, and the dirigible was the perfect touch. Debbie’s diamond wimple was fine. And that wedding cake — it was so smart to put an elevator in it, don’t you think? The view from the top was lovely …

Needless to say, weddings have become an official category in the Guinness Book of Records, with a $100 million ceremony for 20,000 guests leading the pack.

Not to be outdone, Forbes magazine recently announced the top five “billionaire weddings” of note, for which the numbers stretched to the nth power, indeed. Donald Trump couldn’t get married to his third wife, Melania, last year without 10,000 flowers, a 200-pound cake and 45 chefs. And a 20-page invitation announcing the $60 million Parisian wedding of a New Delhi investment banker and a daughter of a kajillionaire steel-baron was in verse:

“We enter a world of maharajahs and mystery, a gilded palace, a lavish feast fit for a king,” the proclamation intoned, according to the British Broadcasting Corp., which covered the event.

“Guests were also regaled by cancan girls,” the BBC dryly noted.

But of course. Cancan girls. Now, why didn’t we think of that, Madge?

Meanwhile, the cable channel VH1 has devoted an entire series to celebrity weddings, advising its viewers that Paris Hilton had a 24-carat engagement ring at some point or another and Melania Knauss — the Donald’s bride — had to heave herself down the aisle in a 60-pound satin dress with a 13-foot train and 1,500 diamonds and pearls personally sewn on by elves somewhere above the Arctic Circle.

Of course, an expensive wedding does not a marriage make. Just ask Sir Paul McCartney, who spent $4 million marrying Heather what’s-her-name in a 17th-century Irish castle before 400 of their closest friends, only to face the hounds of alimony four years later.

At least the impending divorce has given new hope to all the 50-plus babes who were charter members of the Beatles fan club back when Mr. McCartney’s name did not sport a handle.

Gee, do you think I have a chance, Madge?

Moving right along, the celebrity penchant to turn weddings into major environmental events that potentially could engulf everything and everyone in their path has had a trickle-down effect — deluge, more like. The average wedding costs about $30,000, up from less than $5,000 in 1980, according to industry sources.

That figure may or may not include the cost of therapy once little Debbie-of-the-diamond-wimple turns into Bridezilla.

Ah, Bridezilla. Our little Bridezilla. If only she were simply the spouse of Godzilla, who merely tore down the electrical plant outside Tokyo and headed back to sea, ears flitting with satisfaction. Even Godzilla couldn’t handle Bridezilla — that generic term for a wedding-obsessed woman who would tear down the electrical plant, Tokyo itself and perhaps half of mainland China in her pursuit of the perfect headpiece.

The Marry Monster has spawned much culture. There is “Bridezilla” the book, by Noe Spaemme, who lived to tell about it. There is “Escape From Bridezilla,” a novel. There is “Bridezilla” the reality TV series on the Woman’s Entertainment network, which follows actual brides-to-be through their paces, advising: “She’s engaged. She’s enraged.” The producers entreat viewers to vote on their favorite on-camera “melt-down moments.”

And just to make sure that the Bridezilla instinct is alive in all females, the Stuckey Co. has just introduced something called the “bride’s pendant,” which consists of two diamond rings on a chain. It is meant for “the Bride Inside the Heart of Every Woman,” the company advises, its ad copy set with lots of 14-carat capitals.

That’s right, one only has to aspire to be a bride to wear the bauble.

All of the old broads manning the phones at the Old Broads Desk down the hall concur that the bride’s pendant may not be a constructive idea and that interested parties probably should invest their money at the Glamour Shots studio at the mall and forward the results to Mr. McCartney or his legal representatives forthwith.

Here at the Hearts & Flowers Desk, we note that a new survey released by husband-wife psychology team Judith Shervin and Jim Sniechowski reports that 93 percent of us have “had it up to here” with the modern wedding. Indeed, wedding fatigue seems to have set in among guests and happy couples alike.

But the therapists have interesting news in their new book, “The Smart Couple’s Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams,” which posits the idea that men and women share equally in wedding planning, right down to picking out the gown.

“This trend — the active new groom with the couple creating their own wedding — will bring down the divorce rate,” they say.

We will watch this space next year for that wonderful new book, “Groomzilla.”

Jennifer Harper covers media, politics and diamond wimples for The Washington Times’ national desk. Reach her at 202/636-3085 or jharper@ washingtontimes.com