Ladies, it's time to tackle TV football

• Article
• Comments ()
• Click-2-Listen

By

Now is the time for all good women to walk softly and carry a big stick -- and maybe a bowl of onion dip -- as they enter the daunting land of men and football. Why, a girl must prepare herself for the spectacle: There will be yelling, gnashing of teeth, shaking of fists and possibly throwing of coasters as men bear witness to the battle of the gridiron on TV screens across the land.

Stand fast now, ladies. There will be the wearing of ceremonial garments and the emergence of a strange language that combines guttural noises and stray bits of intelligent speech:

"Oh, come on. Punt. Yeah. You. No. Oh no. Whah. Whah? Oh you stupid. Hand it off. Geez. Oh, Geez. Whah. Yeah. Yes. Yes."

Cultural anthropologists nationwide agree that this ritualistic communication, largely incomprehensible to the untrained listener, is part of normal, seasonal behavior, though it may be accompanied by alarming involuntary movements and potential barking or howling at peak moments.

Females, experts advise, should be prepared to counter or neutralize strong or destructive demonstrations with food offerings of high caloric content. They may be thrown if necessary.

But of course, no one has told the males what to do if the females start doing some yelling, gnashing and barking of their own.

Ladies -- millions of them -- have wandered into the daunting land of TV football. Yes, they continue to proffer the recommended countermeasures of guacamole, cheese balls, mixed nuts, chili, fried chicken and Toll House cookies. Yes, they will remind the gnashing and/or barking male to use rather than launch those coasters and to pick up the chair should it be knocked over shortly before half time.

But girly-girls are poised for the kickoff, too.

According to the National Football League, 45 million of its fans are women. They also make up 40 percent of the weekly NFL television audience, and more than 20 million describe themselves as "avid." Nielsen reports that 30 million women typically watch assorted big-league football games every weekend and up to 40 million take in the Super Bowl each year.

Football is the favorite TV sport among women, according to ESPN, which also reveals that 58 percent of American women follow football rivalries in one capacity or another.