I grew up with a brother who has special needs, and I always have suspected that in some ways, my parents’ divorce was a result of the pressure that comes from raising a special-needs child.
When I meet couples who have special-needs children, I always am interested in learning about how they manage to keep their marriage together.
I recently had the opportunity to visit with Bob and Susan Locke, whose second child, Lyndi, arrived 11 weeks early weighing in at 3 pounds, 4 ounces.
The Lockes recalled how they felt as if they were swimming in uncharted waters. Medical personnel gave them a lot of information, but the Lockes didn’t feel like any of it was very hopeful. Even though the doctors told the Lockes that Lyndi had cerebral palsy and possibly other complications, the fact that she was doing so well made it hard to believe.
“We kept taking Lyndi to the hospital for check-ups,” Mrs. Locke said. “When the doctor told us she had cerebral palsy and made statements like, ’She won’t ever do this,’ and ’She won’t ever do that,’ I walked out of there feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Here was this child who looked perfect, like a little baby doll, and they were telling us all these things she would never do. I was furious.”
Lyndi is now 15 and the Lockes are approaching their 20th wedding anniversary. While many couples find it challenging to have a strong and healthy marriage under the best of circumstances, having a child with special needs can take it to a new level.
When I asked the Lockes how they have kept their marriage strong in the midst of parenting three children, the Lockes said they always have put one foot in front of the other and worked together.
“We have always approached our marriage and parenting as a team,” Mrs. Locke said. “Whenever I started asking, ’What if …,’ or getting worked up about something, Bob just said, ’Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it.’ He made it sound so simple. I am the one who gets caught up in the details. He has kept my feet on the ground and has been steady as you go through the years.”
For couples who are just beginning the journey of raising a child with special needs, the Lockes shared these words of wisdom:
Remember you are in this together. When issues arise, deal with the issue instead of taking your frustrations out on each other.
Be willing to accept support from extended family and friends.
“When we first came home from the hospital, I was not allowed to drive,” Mrs. Locke said. “My friend Carrie drove me back and forth from the hospital. Through the years, family and friends have been wonderful to include Lyndi in all kinds of activities. I believe this has made a huge difference in our marriage and for our family.”
See your child as a gift, no matter how he or she turns out and love your child like crazy.
“People have asked us if when Lyndi was born we asked, ’Why us?’ Honestly, I don’t remember doing that. I think it was more like, ’Why not us?’” Mrs. Locke said.
Don’t be afraid to let your child try new things.
“Susan has always been the one to push Lyndi to try new things,” Mr. Locke said. “I am the protective one. Susan constantly reminds me that it is important to let Lyndi be as normal as possible.”
Take good care of each other. Be sure you don’t neglect your marriage in the name of taking care of your child. A strong marriage provides great security for your child.
Having a special-needs child certainly increases the potential for added stress to a marriage. Consider taking care of your marriage a top priority because a strong marriage is the backbone of a healthy family.
• Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, an organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at julieb@firstthings.org.
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