Hello Ms. Vicki,
Reading between the lines, it’s apparent many of your writers are women. I’m a minority in the Army. I’m a male spouse who has supported my wife and her Army career for the 10 years we have been married. We have one child. In my opinion, male spouses are the unsung heroes of the military.
Nobody addresses our issues and concerns. Some of mine may sound petty, but I had to move off base because the stay-at-home moms were after me. Before I began working, they were always at my door when their husbands left for physical training. They would bring me coffee, tea and baked goods. My wife was on her third deployment at the time.
I never cheated, and never took their sexual advances. I stayed to myself. Honestly, I was lonely and I don’t think my relationship with my wife has been the same since her last deployment. I think there is only so much absence a marriage or relationship can take before it finally falls apart.
My biggest problem is my wife could retire next year, but she refuses to put in her paperwork to do so. I have talked to her and told her I just can’t do another deployment, but she keeps saying she wants her career and it’s not fair for me to make her choose. I want my marriage to work, but I can’t continue to live like this. I married her because I wanted a mate and someone to share my life with. What advice can you give? — A Faithful Husband
Dear Faithful Husband,
Deployments are tough on everyone, marriages, relationships, children, parents and extended family. You have experienced many absences in a relatively short period of time; your wife has endured the many deployments, too.
It sounds like she could be in a “deployment mind-set” as a way of coping. She only focuses on the next deployment and the next mission and shuts off her feelings regarding other things like her relationships. It is an emotional protection for her — I’m not saying it’s a healthy coping mechanism, I’m just saying it can happen.
At any rate, I definitely recommend marital counseling for you and your wife and individual counseling for you. You could benefit from the additional support of a counselor or therapist, preferably a male. Call Military OneSource (800/342-9647); a licensed counselor answers the phones 24/7. It is a great source of support that can connect you with a therapist or counselor in your area. You can get 12 sessions at no cost.
Don’t shut yourself off from your wife emotionally or physically. Keep the lines of communication open. I wish you all the best.
Reader response:
• I think your advice (Oct. 18) to the mother of the college student with the pregnant girlfriend who lied about going to class was good as far as it went, but several things jumped out at me.
First, with privilege goes responsibility. Before I went away to college, my parents made it very clear that I was very lucky because they could afford to send me to college and in return I was expected to maintain very good grades, participate in as many extracurricular activities as I could fit in my schedule, and have fun and enjoy college life. It was not specifically stated, but I knew my parents’ financing was dependent on this.
Second, long before college — probably before middle school these days — parents need to make their kids aware of the consequences and responsibilities of sexual activity. It was made clear to me very early on that a baby is a 24-hour-a-day emotional and financial responsibility for at least 18 years.
The sentence: “I don’t think I can ever forgive him for giving us this mess to clean up” is very telling. Have they always cleaned up his “messes”? And it is a baby — their grandchild — they are talking about. If he were my son, I would make it clear that it is his responsibility. I certainly would give him love and support, but for now, going off to college is not an option. He needs to decide if he is going to marry the mother, he needs to get a job to support them and perhaps take college classes at night.
Kids need to be taught from the earliest moments that actions have consequences and they have to be prepared to deal with them. — Donna E. Douse, Columbia, Md.
• Send e-mail to dearmsvicki@yahoo.com.
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