What Obama should say

OPINION:

Tonight, President Obama will give his 29th major speech on health care. He will offer more specifics than he has in the past, but instead of scrapping the plans most Americans are passionately rejecting, he will simply repackage them.

He will fail on the resale, for three reasons:

(1) Now that most Americans know what’s being proposed, they will oppose it no matter how well spun it is.

(2) Mr. Obama has lost his magic touch. He no longer has crowds willing to automatically accept whatever he says.

(3) The American people just want to hear some honesty on the issue.

With those things in mind, here is the speech he should give:

“Madame Speaker, Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr., members of Congress, distinguished guests, my fellow Americans:

“We gather tonight because my signature domestic issue — health care reform — is in deep trouble. Big majorities of the American people hate what I and my fellow Democrats have proposed: a government option, death panels, rationing, coverage for illegal immigrants, loss of choice of doctors, reduced quality care. I’ve tried, over my last 28 speeches on health care, to dress it up, but the American people are now on to me. They know I’m just slapping lipstick on a pig.

“So, tonight I’ve dragged you away from dinner and the start of the fall TV season — such as it is — to listen to me drone on yet again about my vision for health care.

“Now, don’t start nodding off: that means you, John A. Boehner. And no Twittering: Claire McCaskill, drop it! Tonight’s address is going to be different. I’m not going to lecture you about the virtues of the public option or scold Republicans. Nor am I going to blame my predecessor for the mess in which I now find myself. Been there, done that, and while it’s still fun and useful, I’m not going to bash former President George W. Bush again tonight.

“Rather, I’m going to give you all a little ’straight talk.’ Sorry, John McCain.

“First, to my blood brothers on the left: you know I’m one of you. I was ranked the most liberal member of the Senate the year I was elected president. I was hanging out with radicals like Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, and Rashid Khalidi long before any of you ever heard of me, and it wasn’t because we shared a passion for pinochle. It cracks me up when I hear commentators say I am being “pulled” by the far left fringes of my party. Guys: We all know that I am the far left.

“But I’ve also learned that most of the country isn’t with us. Yet. So I’m going to need you to back off. That means you, Maxine Waters, you California cougar. And you, too, Barney Frank, you lovable lug from Massachusetts. You know my heart is with you, but we just can’t pull off the single-payer system quite yet. We can’t even pull off the public option yet. So I need you to help me hustle them with the so-called ’trigger’ and ’co-op’ provisions. Before you know it, they’ll wake up and find themselves with the public option they thought they had defeated. It’s stealth and it’s genius.

“Second, to my Republican friends: let’s face it. We’re so far apart on this issue that we make [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu and [Iranian President Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad look like bosom buddies. So here’s the deal. I can’t get my own party’s act together: the ’moderate’ Democrats are whining about the cost and the liberals are threatening to bolt without a public option, although I think I just figured out a way around that.

“Anyway, my party’s a mess, so as much as I hate to say it: I need you. I’ve been looking at your proposals, and some of them don’t stink. I’m willing to go for some tort reform to rein in out-of-control malpractice costs (I’ll get the money back to the trial lawyers later), portability and elimination of state barriers so folks can buy insurance across state lines. I’ll give you those three things. Tax subsidies for individuals to buy their own insurance may be a bridge too far for me. After all, I’m only interested in empowering the state.

“And finally, to the American people: I know you hate what I’ve previously proposed, and you’re angry. You’re furious with the trillions of dollars I’ve already spent on the economic stimulus, bailouts, spending bills, and the budget. You hate that I’m doubling the national debt in five years and tripling it in 10. You can’t stand that I’m ramming stuff through — like ’cap-and-trade’ — without real, thoughtful debate. And this health care thing has put you over the edge. Almost 90 percent of you have insurance, and 85 percent of you are happy with the coverage you’ve got. You want reform to contain spiraling costs, but you don’t want radical change. I get it.

“But you have to understand that I’m special. My presidency is historic. I’ve got supermajorities in the House and Senate, and I should be able to do what I want. I’m willing to bend a little for now, but I know what’s best for you. ’Obama 44’ isn’t just my trucker handle. It’s a national experience. It’s a movement. You’re either with me, or you’re against me.

“As I leave you tonight, remember: your eczema, rickets, and hemorrhoids are my passion.

“I know there’s no health care crisis, but there’s a crisis for me: My window for passing radical health care reform is rapidly closing. Without it, my dream of turning America into East Germany will die. So tonight: I ask that you join me. Yes, we can.

“May God bless me, because I need it right now, and America, too. Good night.”

Monica Crowley is a nationally syndicated radio host, a panelist on “The McLaughlin Group” and a Fox News contributor.