And so a new baseball season starts today, bringing with it the charms of spring, sunshine, hope and good fellowship.Or maybe this, in the year of Our Lord 2004: Blah!
So you grew up playing, watching and loving the grand old game — so what? That was then, this is now. And now there seems very little reason to follow baseball in its current state, unless one is hopelessly hooked.
National pastime?
How about national waste time?
With apologies to the guy whose late-night show follows Gordon Peterson weeknights on Channel 9, the top 10 reasons to ignore baseball:
No. 10: Steroids.
Their widespread use by players in recent years has cast doubt and aspersions on slugging feats by the likes of Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Brady Anderson (remember his 50 in 1996?). We used to wonder if the ball was juiced — now we wonder if the batters are. Maybe they should change Harry Caray’s old seventh-inning stretch song to “Take Me Out to the BALCO Game.”
No. 9: No salary cap.
OK, so nothing today costs what it did in 1950, when I became aware that the original Washington Senators were my (crummy) team — do today’s megastars really need to be paid by the thousands every time they poke their heads out of the dugout? Why doesn’t baseball have a cap like the other major team sports? If Don Fehr threatens to take his players and go home, let him. When some of those guys start earning $6.50 an hour, they might appreciate how lucky they were to be playing ball.
No. 8: Ticket and concession prices.
I’ve done the math. If a family of four goes to five major league ballgames this season, it will cost the same as season tickets did for 81 games in 1977. (Actually, I haven’t done the math, but you have to admit these numbers sound reasonable when you’re paying $26 for an unreserved grandstand seat and handing the vendor $12 for a hot dog and a beer.)
No. 7: The length of games.
Why do batters have to step out of the box, look down to the coach for a sign and rewrap their batting gloves four times before each pitch? Why do pitchers have to take a leisurely stroll around the mound after each pitch? Why isn’t there a alarm that goes “BONG — strike two!” or “BZZZZ — ball three!” at each transgression? And where is it written that a 4-3 game must consume 3 hours? It’s a good thing there are no scheduled doubleheaders these days, because a lot of fans might miss work the next day.
No. 6: A-Rod.
Don’t get me wrong — he’s a great hitter and, as far as we know, a good guy. But why should the best player in the game join the best franchise in the game simply because it has more money and more smarts than anybody else, and why should his former team be paying part of his salary? What is this, Major League Soccer? You can almost hear Kenesaw Mountain Landis spinning — Gen. William Eckert, too, if he has learned anything about baseball by this time.
No. 5: Roger Clemens.
If I encounter the Rocket this season, I might take a bat to him (figuratively anyway). I mean, you didn’t see Babe Ruth or Walter Johnson retiring and unretiring within a few months just because an old buddy like Andy Pettitte hit town. When all those fans at the World Series gave you that standing O as you walked off the mound for the (ahem!) last time, why didn’t you flip instead of tip? May you be required to field about 500 squeeze bunts at Minute Maid Park this season.
No. 4 (tie): Opening Night.
For the first time in their 51-year history, the Baltimore Orioles are opening the season with a night game — thank you for making it happen, ESPN. Baseball openers are supposed to be in the afternoon, with soft breezes blowing and the smell of blossoms in the air. It doesn’t always happen that way, of course, but playing a night game on April4 is inviting chilblains and hypothermia — and that’s just on the field.
No. 4 (tie): World Series night games.
The subject has been lamented to death, I admit, but playing all Series games at night ranks right down there with Pete Rose’s decision to bet on his own team. Shouldn’t today’s schoolchildren have the same incentive to cut classes that we did when the Series was on?
No. 3: The DH.
Out, out out — it ain’t baseball, if anybody still cares.
No. 2: Mind-blowing music between innings.
I don’t think Simon and Garfunkel had baseball in mind when they did “The Sounds of Silence,” but an occasional sip of solitude beats listening to rock or rap loud enough to revive Elvis. At a ballpark, you’re supposed to feel as well as see, smell, hear and taste — but who can feel anything but numb when one of the senses transmits nothing but a royal racket.
And the No. 1 reason to ignore baseball, in case you can’t guess:
No team in Washington, now and possibly forevermore.
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