Here comes Shaq.
There goes the raising of the Southeast Division championship banner on Fun Street in the seasons ahead.
It was ours. Now it is Shaq’s.
So it goes with the Wizards. Just their rotten luck.
David Stern dumped the Wizards in the newly formed handicapped division of the NBA, and all was well until you know who showed up to it last week.
He is mad, too.
There is nothing worse than an angry 340-pound man who has vengeance oozing out of every pore in his body.
We are sentenced to live with it until Shaq either becomes a police officer or Kazaam on a full-time basis.
By the way, whatever happened to the making of “Kazaam, Part Deux” and “Kazaam, Part Trois?”
Shaq as Kazaam was a series of sequels waiting to happen. By now, you figured we would be up to “Kazaam, Part Neuf.”
Or “Kazaam Meets Jason,” with a special guest appearance from Kobe, as the person who is killed in the opening scene, which sets an eerie tone.
Anyway, the Wizards are burnt toast, as usual, and we have not even reached the second week of the season, their customary check-out time.
This is the Hot Plate Williams Factor.
Others call it the Manute Bol/Muggsy Bogues, Stick-a-Tent-Over-It Factor.
Who knows? It is what it is, to borrow a line from Robert De Niro in most of his flicks.
The raising of the championship banner in Tony Cheng’s neighborhood commenced about the time Ernie Grunfeld dispatched the conscientious objector to Mark Cuban for Antawn Jamison.
Cuban is fairly reasonable with Abe Pollin about stuff like that. It was Cuban who accepted the worst contract in the history of sports a few years ago.
Who knows where Juwan Howard is playing now? He is one of those players who will learn how to speak Russian in a few years in order to play in the Siberian Pro League.
Just say nyet to Howard, who ranks below Hot Plate Williams but ahead of Kenny Green in the Washington Hall of Blunders.
We mostly take what we can get from the NBA around here.
After securing Jamison, the Wizards ruled the Southeast Division for about three weeks.
We were No. 1 in that time period, no question about it, based on the relatively modest performance levels of the guilty last season.
Let’s study the evidence: Atlanta, 28-54; Charlotte, expansion team; Miami, 42-40; Orlando, 21-61; Washington, 25-57.
This is somewhat misleading. The Wizards were really a 35-win team last season, except for the fact that the conscientious objector always was shutting it down. It is hard for a team to play through weekly shutting-it-down announcements.
Two rules to remember: Always be skeptical of a player who is learning to speak Russian or one who has more doctors than basketball shoes.
Darn. Thanks for nothing, Kobe.
“I don’t think it’s going to be a division you can continue to laugh about,” Bobcats coach Bernie Bickerstaff said last week.
Well, it depends on where you look in the division.
Mike Woodson, the new coach of the Hawks, delivered several funny lines earlier this month, notably, “I’m ecstatic about the challenge of bringing this program back to a competitive level.”
Most persons would be excessively frazzled about the challenge of bringing the Hawks back to a competitive level.
You see the darnedest things in the Southeast Division.
Not to be critical of someone interested in serving the public, but what’s up with Kwame Brown’s at-large bid to become a member of the D.C. Council?
Kwame, let’s prioritize here: Become an NBA All-Star first. Worry about saving the city later.
Another thing: You are not aging well and you have put on weight, judging by your campaign photographs.
Before Shaq landed in South Beach, the Wizards were thinking 35-40 wins, a first-place finish in the division and a playoff berth, deserved or not.
Now they have a mad Shaq in their midst and Kwame looking to become a D.C. Council member.
It never can be easy or simple with the Wizards.
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