Taking all the Games out

Cut them all. Just whack ’em. Thumbs down.

And no, we’re not talking about disgruntled Washington Redskins.

The International Olympic Committee announced last week that each of the 28 sports in the Summer Games will be put to a June vote, with the IOC deciding whether to make changes in the program for the 2012 games.

To which we say: oil up the guillotine.

The Olympics need a facelift the way Star Jones needs a tummy tuck. Well, maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, the pertinent fact is this: no sport has been dropped since polo in 1936.

Sixty-nine years. That’s a heck of a stretch. And really, what did polo do to deserve pariah status, beyond allowing Ralph Lauren to charge 60 bucks for a collared T-shirt?

Imagine if other sports were static, frozen in time for almost seven decades. Shaquille O’Neal would be playing in a cage. Boxing and horse racing still would be relevant. Peyton Manning would be running the option, protected by a leather helmet.

Oh, and probably still losing to New England.

Point is, the Games need a fresh start. The first step? Trimming the fat.

Herein, the reasons why every Olympic sport should be tossed into history’s dustbin, next to Das Kapital and the Baby on Board stickers:

Aquatics (swimming, diving): So the rest of us in the developed — read: fat ’n’ pasty — world can feel a little less depressed about our McGriddle-in-the-middle physiques. Research suggests popular culture’s ceaseless parade of busty, waifish sales models promotes negative body image in women. Imagine what the sight of Michael Phelps in a low-rise Speedo does for men. Sniff.

Athletics (track and field): The very term is a misnomer. It should be called chemistry. Especially when Ukrainian women’s shot putters are involved.

Archery: Must be eliminated before (a) someone loses an eye, at which point it ceases to be fun and games; (b) Geena Davis qualifies for the Olympic team. No one involved in “Cutthroat Island” should ever receive a medal for anything. Unless said medal comes from the French Ministry of Culture. Even Sharon Stone has one of those.

Badminton: Honestly, what’s up with competitors not holding beer bottles in their off-hands? And for that matter, where’s the barbecue?

Baseball: Most of the globe doesn’t care. Oh, and neither do we, since Team USA didn’t even qualify for the Athens Games, a stunning turn of events that probably saved the World Anti-Doping Agency millions.

Basketball: Drop it now, before the world surpasses the United States completely. Jermaine O’Neal thinks a proposed NBA age minimum could be racist because it limits opportunities for young black men. Know what will limit those opportunities even more? Skilled Europeans taking all the jobs from white and black Americans.

Boxing: Should have been KO’d when Roy Jones Jr. “lost” to that South Korean dude. Who runs Olympic boxing, Don King?

Canoeing: The only Olympic sport besides boxing that excludes women. No joke. Men have sprint canoe events, women don’t. When top American canoeist Pam Boteler made her case to the International Canoe Federation, a top executive expressed concern that sprint canoe racing might damage the female reproductive system. Who runs international canoeing, the Vatican?

Cycling: Lance Armstrong is right — it’s not about the bike. It’s about him. And he won’t be around. Adios!

Equestrian: Please. The ancient Games had bloody, to-the-death chariot races; the modern Olympics have show jumping. No Ben Hur, no sale.

Fencing: Deserves hiatus until someone invents a working lightsaber.

Football (soccer): Should be kicked out so that the plucky, lovable members of the Iraqi soccer team can go ahead and join the insurgency already, instead of simply running their mouths from the safety of Crete. Like life was so much better under coach Uday.

Gymnastics: Has judges. ’Nuff said.

Handball: Has no identity. Is it soccer with hands? Hockey sans sticks? Hoops without, well, hoops? BASEketball made more sense.

Hockey: Brings to mind Gary Bettman. Sorry, guys in skirts.

Judo: Should be replaced by Ultimate Fighting.

Modern pentathlon: Isn’t very modern. Swap cross country running for sitting in rush-hour traffic and fencing for Googling “Maria Sharapova AND pics,” or else dump it entirely.

Rowing: Ever spent 40 minutes on a rowing machine? Pure torture. Next!

Sailing: Without the real thing, Enya’s “Sail Away” would not exist. These are the facts; they are not in dispute. Grounds for Olympic dismissal, and probably something Amnesty International should look into.

Shooting: Possible keeper, but only if top marksmen/women prove equally proficient at “Halo II.”

Softball: Just isn’t competitive. Team USA is like the Yankees, the Patriots and Duke. Plus Tiger.

Table tennis: Only exacerbates the silent crisis of too many Chinese youngsters neglecting their studies to pursue the one-in-a-million dream of turning pro. Where are the role models?

Taekwondo: Would be a lot more entertaining if competitors could throw fireballs at each other, a la “Street Fighter II.”

Tennis: Ought to be smashed as payback for CNBC’s ill-fated “McEnroe.” Never forget!

Triathlon: Not enough sharks.

Volleyball: The beach variety is sexist and exploitative, a pandering tableau of tanned, toned hardbodies gallivanting across the sand in skimpy uniforms. Of course, the bikini dance team can stay.

Weightlifting: Cool, but not as cool as burly Norsemen tossing beer kegs and rolling monster truck tires.

Wrestling: Have a heart, people — nobody ever thinks about the poor guys who have to clean the mats.